Stirling Gardner: Businesser

This issue of “Le Entrepreneurian”, we speak with Stirling Gardner and “Sea” Brian Smith, the creators of the financial juggernaut, “Jelly o’ the Month Club” in their rustic Cape Cod getaway…

LE: Congratulations on the rampant success of your monthly jellies.

Stirling: Thank you, Barry.  We’re very pleased to be sharing our sweet, fruity joy with our subscribers

LE: How did the two of you get started?

“Sea” Brian Smith:  While summering in Bangkok, jet-skiing and fucking 9 year olds, we were despondent over having yet another breakfast with ONLY grape jelly for our scones.

Stirling: We thought, “Wouldn’t it be fun if someone mailed us something raspberry or currant or mango-like?”

LE: What was your biggest challenge?

Stirling: Thrust-snapped 9-year old pelvises…oh…. for the company you mean.

Both: (Laugh hysterically)

Stirling: I guess it’d be the Byzantine LLC formation paperwork we had to deal with.  Mountains of it.

“Sea” Brian Smith: Just excruciating for starting a food preparation company that ships globally.  Health codes, etc.  A real barrier to business.

LE: What keeps you busy when you’re not making jellies?

Stirling: Well, Brian here is really into Faulkner and has just finished translating, “The Sound and The Fury”, into Bengali which I think is going to really bring the whole decline of the South to those people in a way they haven’t had the privilege to experience yet.  Me?  I just finished a case and a half of Dayquil and I’m getting ready to work on my painting of “The Battle of Algiers” for a few days until the buzz wears off.  I just ADORE working with pastels.

LE:  Any advice for fellow entrepreneurs?

“Sea” Brian Smith:  Stay the fuck out of the jelly business.

Stirling: Far away, bitches. We will rape your world.

Matt Kaye found a new friend!

Hey, guys!  It’s been awhile, but my friend, Matt Kaye has been very very busy on the dating circuit.

He’s always been a fan of SUV’s, but this past January something changed… something shifted… he decided to follow his heart.

Ever since Matt was a little boy, his mom, Cheryl (a Midas mechanic) had Matt stop by on his way home from school.  Cheryl didn’t like the notion of a latch-key child, plus if Matt was going to learn any trade, it may as well be the one she devoted her life to: the repair and replacement of mufflers.

Matt would come to the shop every day after school and his mom (not one for laziness) would have Matt stack the mufflers in the back.

As Matt got older and into his teens, two things happened: a) he developed an affinity for women’s lingerie.  His mom although a tough muffler repair woman liked to dress up when she brought the customers back to their trailer.  Matt watched his mom dress up in silk and frills and sass.  He liked the way the stockings could never fall down if secured tightly to the bottom of the camisole and as everyone knows… a redhead looks fantastic in RED.  b)  He saw something that no one else seemed to notice… mufflers were sexy.  All that buffed metal… the long narrow exhaust pipe… the way the carbon monoxide shot out like a foggy black fart if not properly fitted.  And I guess you could say he got “tail-pipe curious”…  Could it be that these two things actually go together?  Peanut butter and chocolate, cookies and milk, women’s lingerie and sticking a dick in an exhaust pipe?

Well, for Matt, the answer was an un-resounding YES, PLEASE, MAY I HAVE SOME MORE!?!?!?

Matt scoured the internet looking for a website that would match cars up with the people that wanted to fuck them in the tailpipe.  Sort of a match.com crossed with an autotrader.com.

This picture is Matt with his new Aussie “girlfriend”.  She got a few miles on her, but Matt doesn’t care.  Sometimes there is nothing better than a well used tail pipe.

Written by: Stirling Gardner

Stirling Gardner a.k.a. Lunchmeat Warrior

SINGLES AD:  Stirling Gardner, SWM, 34.

Nickname: Lunchmeat Warrior

Smells like: Pimentos.

Celebrity Look-a-like: Emilio Estevez

Enjoys: Clouds, clams, and Gobots.

Fears: Ducks and burlap.

Best feature: N/A

Favorite books:  “Hand, Hand, Finger, Thumb” and “Contemporary Debates in Metaphysics”

Favorite Music: Celine Dion ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite Movies: “Must Like Dogs”, “Ass-Masters, Vol. 19”, “La Strada”

Favorite Expression:  “Get out of my mind, Mom!”

Activities: Volleyball, Canning Fruit, Wearing a diaper and crying like a big, fat baby.

Looking for: Any woman who will indulge me wearing a diaper and crying like the big, fat whiny diaper-shitting baby I am.

written by Matt Kaye, who is awesome.

Happy Valentine’s Day from Matt and Penny

Hey, guys!  It’s my friend, Matt Kaye and his ‘lady’, Penny!

I talked to Matt this morning on the phone and this is what he had to say about his Valentine’s Day.

“Yesterday, we got up at 4:30 in the morning, threw on some velour, our his and hers graduated tint lenses, went up to the top of Chestnut Hill and sat in our home-made “parrot blind”.

It took four hours, 36 Miller Lites, a half a bag of beef jerky and one handy before we saw our first parrot.  He was green and hopping on the ground.  It must’ve been the combination of Hi-Karate and Funyons that got this little guy out of the air, onto the ground and only a bayonet’s throw from our blind.

Penny lifted up the gun/bayonet combo I bought for her as a Valentine’s gift and aimed it right at the little fella… Ka-Blam!  She knocked a pellet right up his bird ass.  (I’m not sure she could’ve done it without the scope, but I’m not going to say anything).  She stalked up behind him and rammed that bayonet into his spine.

We were both so excited we decided to go at it right there.  Hell, my pants were down already.  I bent her over the sputtering carcass and leaned into her with all my mustached might.  The squeals coming out of that parrot were high-pitched and sexual if I do say so myself.  The parrot gasped for one last breath and went straight for our eyes!  Tricky bastard!  Thank God for Lens Crafters!

I jerked one onto the part in Penny’s hair, we headed back to the trailer and I prepped the little guy for some taxidermy.  A few hours later, he was dry and I took Penny for a celebratory dinner at TGI Fridays (I know, I know… I spoil her!).

We fell asleep in each other’s arms with this little guy watching us.  It was magical.

Written by: Stirling Gardner

Stirling Gardner: Puppetmaster

stirling gardner and tedward present “An Evening of Performance Art To Remember”, Tuesday, Feb. 9th, 8 pm, Pasadena Community Rec Room B, pay what you can.

Hi everyone….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA why does everyone start their msgs. like that, rightHAHAHA???  This is an important show for me and tedward HAHAHAHHRRRRRMMMM….he’s not real. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA or is he??? No, he’s not, he is, he’s not, the debate rages on in MY brain.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANONONOMAYBENONONOHAHAHAHA…O.K.  We’re going to be doing a few classics, “Leopoldo’s Polio” (bring your flashlights everyone HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAACCCK KKEVERYWHEREHAHA), “Clambastard 4″, and “Connie’s Dirt Hammer” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAMMERHAMMER KILLBLOODHAHAHAHAHARUNCONNIE RUNHAHAJ/K as well as a few new ones that are going to expand what you thought was even reasonable to see on a stage.  Do you like prime numbers?  HAHAHAHAHAHA1, 3, 5, 7, 11LET’SFUCKFATTYFATTY HAHAHAHAHAHA Do you have snake dreams?  Builder parasites or Lempengraduates?  Suffer from draperies or chiny-chiny-ass-all-shiny?  This is gonna cure a lot of your symptoms.  Brace your mind for the impact of stirling gardner and tedward HAHAHAHAHAHAANYWOMENWHOSHOWUPWILLBEINAPPROPRIATELYHITONDURING SHOWANDFOLLOWED HOMEHAHAHAHAHAHAHANOSERIOUSLYIM INSANEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! MY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!!!!!! MYAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! BLLEAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!! FEARMEFEARME!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

Matt Kaye is Getting Married! Duck for Cover!

Hey, guys!  It’s my friend Matt Kaye and his fiance, Stefani.

You may be wondering how Matt and Stefani met.  Well, it’s an interesting story.  As Matt puts it, “I was eating a fistful of shwarma and swatting at a swarm of gnats in my leg hair, minding my own business, when I heard what sounded like a building being knocked down.  I turned to look and it was in fact, a building being knocked down.  Stefani had tripped in her platforms and accidentally slammed into the side of the tenement right next to Uncle Hibob’s Kabob Stand.  The building was left with a rather large dent in the foundation and when I saw a brick falling from above, I ripped the umbrella off of Hibob’s Kabob Cart and ran over to shield Stefani from the falling rubble.  I got there just in time.  I couldn’t believe it when I looked around and saw the passersby laughing and mocking Stefani.  She started to cry.  Tears poured off her giant face as she sobbed and pounded against the wall, “‘uge gurl vit cellulite never vit friends!!!” (She’s German).  More and more debris fell from the building and bounced off the umbrella.  When Stefani composed herself and realized that I had actually saved her life, her tears dried up and we just connected, ya know?”

Yes, Matt we know.

“And with just a look… we knew we would be together forever.  She picked me up, threw me on her back and ran down the street putting her fists through police car windshields, kicking over fire hydrants and shedding our clothes.  I had never ridden a flightless dragon before, but I imagine this is what it feels like.  All that fury and heft.  It was exciting.  She knew it. I knew it.  We had a connection.  That was 6 months ago and I haven’t gotten off her back since.  (She won’t let me and frankly, I don’t mind.)”

“This photo was taken moments after we evaded the National Guard and made it safely into my studio apartment.  It’s a flimsy building which is why Stefani is holding up the ceiling.”

“You can’t see it, but my boner is resting warmly inside her butt crack… like a Dodger dog adhering to the bun from the moisture.”

“I love my dragon.  Our wedding date is July 17th… so if you happen to be in the Detroit area with nothing to do, let us know and we’ll order more chicken wings.”

Well, Matt, we all wish you the best on your magical journey.

Written by: Stirling Gardner

Aid for Haiti from Stirling Gardner

Well, it looks like everybody ELSE is really into helping the Haitish with their earthquake by sending food, water, and blankets or whatever dumb things.  WHAT ABOUT ART, PEOPLE!?!?  Did you ever think that after something traumatic like that, people might need their SOOOOULS soothed?!?  DUH!!!!  HELLO!!!  People are soooooooooooooo ruh-TARD….GOD!!!  I talked it over with some other Renaissance-Faire-ians and we are blogging SOOOOO much art right now on facebook and RenFaireDate.com for the Haiters to just google and nourish their spirits on our creations.  I’m contributing some of my poem-try which you WILL LOOOOOOOVE!!!

1. “Fair, gentle maidens and noble, upright men,

considereth thou the full-juiced apple,

which soon shall fruit again.

It does not fret the tremblings of the earth,

But passive grows and smiles thus,

Until death, begun at it’s apple-y birth.”

(In other words, LIGHTEN UP!!! Stop being so  MOPEY!!! 

2. “Haiti, Haiti you so great-y!!

I hope your town can recuperate-y!!!

A-shake to the left, A-shake to the right!!

Donkey-monkey!  Mustard-Junky!!!

FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!!!

(You guys can  TOTALLY use this for your Esteem Rallies.)

3. I saw sparks fly

From the corner of my eye

And when I turned

It was love at first sight

I said please excuse me

I didn’t catch your name

Oh it’d be a shame

Not to see you again

And just when I thought

She was comin’ to my door

She whispered sweet

And brought me to the floor (she said)

I’m only seventeen

But I”ll show you love like you’ve never seen

She’s only seventeen

Daddy says she’s too young

But she’s old enough for me.

(This is actually from Winger “Seventeen”, but I think it will SO help you guys.)

Haiti, you are welcome, please post thank yous on my facebook profile or send me cows on Farmville.  I’m expanding my dairy!!!

by Matt Kaye

http://www.mattkayeworld.com

STAR WARS: The Dark Secret

MATT: Hi.  I’m Matt Kaye and I’m a Sex Addict.

GROUP: Hi, Matt.

MATT: The good news is today is my 6th month without having any robot pussy.

(Nods and Applause)

MATT: The bad news is today is my 6th month without having any robot pussy.  I know I’m supposed to be strong, but it’s hard.  (holding back tears) This is my story… I love science-fiction.  LOVE IT.

(Some knowing “ahs” from the group)

MATT: It all started in ’78.  I had all of the Star Wars figurines and my mom would leave me alone with them in the tub. For hours, I’d play and scratch their genital-less crotches.  Men, women, aliens, robots… I didn’t care WHO I fingered or stuck up my ass.  I tried to put Han Solo’s tiny fist in my pee-hole, but I didn’t like that very much.  (collects himself)  As I grew older, I grew (makes quotations with his fingers) “stranger”.  My proclivities grew more diverse and I stuck my cock in anything remotely related to science-fiction: a stuffed E.T. doll, two pie tins glued together, the tailpipe of a Delorean, a kid dressed as a Power Ranger, any dog with a bandanna, old transistor radios particularly if they were set to the Twilight Zone, glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on bean bag chairs, 2XL, Simon, you name it, I was HOOKED.  Cut to, I get accepted at Brown where I was a physics major, chem minor.  I had access to all sorts of chemical compounds and formulas, not to mention unlimited numbers of beakers.  One day (and I’m still not sure if this was a life-like dream or a dreamy real-life experience), but I was in the lab mixing up some sulfates when I heard a voice say to me, “Matthew, Matthew, Matthew… I am your mother.”  And I turned around and saw what appeared to be CO2 incubator stacked on top of a molecular mass centrifuge, but here’s the thing… it wore the head of my mother right where it’s aluminum vagina would be.  Her jaw slack, lips dewy.  I tried to shake myself out of it.  It was like I couldn’t resist… and then suddenly, I ‘woke’ as if from a life-like dream or a dreamy real-life experience.  And this ‘dream’ recurred over and over and over and over again driving me to shave my whole body down, legally change my name to Powder and build a fuckable-mom-bot that would make me want to fuck it and cum inside it’s tight titanium pussy before I could even get my pants off.  And I did it.  And I liked it.  No, actually, I loved it.  And then I lost my job, my friends, my savings and my dignity.  (the tears are really flowing)… and if I can just tell you new guys something.  It’s never easy.  There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about ramming my cock inside that fuckin’ whore of a fuck-mom-bot.  But I have learned to channel my energy elsewhere.  Instead, I wrap my WD-40′d oily boner in aluminum foil and jerk myself off while watching Dora, the Explorer.  Because an animated aluminum jerk doesn’t kill anyone.  So, if you can just find another way to channel your energy, the rewards will be well, minimal but you will get to go home with one of these… (holds up his red 6-month chip)

(The guys all applaud, some wiping tears, others wiping cum off their laps.)

Matt nods humbly.

MATT: Thank you.

Written by: Stirling Gardner

Uncle Stirling helped me make a craft

KRAFT Korner with Suzy

Hi, I’m Suzy and I’m seven.  Today I’m going to teach you how to make a poo-flower.

1. I cut out flower parts from construction paper.  Stem, leaves, and petals.  I ALWAYS use safety scissors.
2. I glue them into a flower shape.
3. I cover my hand in Crisco and mustard.
4. I check my Uncle Stirling’s prostate gland making sure to ‘punch as hard and as deep as you can so you kill all the cancer’.
5. When he stops moaning about FOX newscaster, Glenn Beck, and slumps forward, all the cancer is dead and I use my hand-prints to pattern the petals in man-poo.
6. I scotch-tape and tie a ribbon at the top, so he can hang it on his fridge.
7. I never, ever, EVER tell anyone about our special secret or that he-bitch will stop eating me out while I watch Sesame Street and chain-smoke KOOLs.

5, 6, 7, 8! Jazz Hands! (Oh, wait… I’m a Boy!)

The year: 1984

Matt Kaye, convinced he was a girl, demanded that he compete in the “13 and Under Fastest Jazz Hands Competition” in Lake Hill, Ohio.  It had been his dream since he had seen All That Jazz four years earlier.  It was the first Rated R movie that his parents let him see and he was hooked!

He had never experienced anything like it.  The Bob Fosse choreography, the cocaine, the Jessica Lange!  “Oh, my God!”, whispered Matt to himself, “That is what I was born to do!”

He went home every night and practicing flicking his hands from regular hands into “JAZZ hands!”  Hundreds of times per day.  Flick, flick, flick… “JAZZ Hands!!!”, he would scream, then giggle with delight at his own inside personal folly.

Matt and his mom, Cathy, petitioned the local Lake Hill City Council to let Matt compete.  Although it said ‘boy’ on his birth certificate, Matt’s member was so small that even his parents were at times convinced he was a girl.

Not only did he get to compete, but he got to practice with one of the local dance classes (Kidz Danz!).  It was there that he met others his age… others who were getting their periods.

Matt prayed every night, “Are you there, God?  It’s me Matt?  I’d really really like to get my period like all the other girls.”  And in his sleep that night, Matt heard God say, “Matt, I want you to take an over-sized panty shield and tuck it cross-ways between your vagina and the bottom of your purple leotard.  And if you don’t have your period by the end of your first Jazz hands Competition, you will know that you are not a girl, but in fact, a shrivel-cocked boy that looks like a girl… even in the face… for the rest of your life.”

And so Matt did everything God told him to do.  He put on his leotard, his panty shield, his gold headband and his glasses and headed for the auditorium.

Matt had never Jazz Handed like that before in his life!  It was magical.  The stuff that urban legends are made of.  He won first place, got his picture taken (this one AND one for the local Lake Hill Courier), grabbed his trophy and got into the car with Cathy and her husband, Steve.

Steve: What’s wrong, Princess?

Matt: (muttering): Nuthin’

Steve: Oh, I know that “nuthin’”.  That’s not nuthin’.  What is it, Matthew?

Matt (tearing up): God said if I didn’t get my period by the end of the competition that I wasn’t a girl afterall.  He said I would be a shrivel-cocked boy that looks like a girl – even in the face.”

Steve: How do you know for sure that you didn’t get your period?

Matt looks down and yanks the dry panty shield out of his leotard and shoves it in his dad’s face.

Matt: Does this answer your fucking question, you arrogant cock-sucking prick?!?!?

It was a long quiet ride home.  The wind sneaking into the one window that wouldn’t go all the way up in their Oldsmobile Cutlass Wagon.  The warm pork loin that had been left in the car all afternoon shifting around under the driver’s side seat.  The shrivel-cocked crotch of Matt Kaye poking it’s teensy moist head out the side of the unitard as if a pencil eraser with saliva on it was gasping for breath.

It would be the first and last time Matt Kaye won a Fastest Jazz Hands Competition and the last time he ever wore make up.

Written by: Stirling Gardner