Matt Kaye’s Man Deer Hunt

Shhhhhh… it’s me, Stirling Gardner and I snuck up on Matt Kaye and took this video of him posing and posturing before he was heading out to the big gay animal disco.

He didn’t even know I was there which is why the whole thing was shot in silence.

You will notice how he bends down, crouches, does lunges, splits and twirls to make sure his body make up and hoofed feet won’t get messed up when he puts on his cologne and heads down to the after hours club to get head from a goat in the stall of the men’s room.

I don’t think much more needs to be said. Just watch the video and learn.

Matt Kaye’s Holiday in Hungary

Hey, it’s Matt Kaye here and you’ll have to forgive me if this entry is a little off kilter. I am tripping my balls off and just need to get back to the States.

I thought after being fired for shooting up my office with a pellet gun, I should take some time off and find myself. What do I really want out of life? Who am I? What’s this I hear about eclairs making you speak like dolphins?

So, late one night I find myself meandering the streets of Csepel, Hungary in search of a good psychic. I just needed someone to explain the difference between lactose intolerance and fried clams when I came upon this photography studio.

I was mesmerized by the disco lights and thought maybe they’d have some gum. God, my forearms are sweaty. There’s got to be a better way to vacuum! Damn it, man! Get your shit together.

Leisel here found me snapping to the beat of a little ditty I sing to myself when I am losing my shit and asked if I wouldn’t mind posing with her and her lamb-dog. She needed a photo for her holiday cards and wanted people to think she had a boyfriend. Plus, she said, it might give me something to stare at besides mt Tivas™.

“Quick, put on this holiday sweater, this holiday sweater vest and this holiday scarf and try not to look so fucking weird,” she drooled.

I had nothing to lose. And just as the flash went off I could hear the elves coming for me. Those tiny little fuckers had located me and were going to kill me. I could feed 2-5 of them for 3-4 weeks depending on exactly how little they were and if they could find shrimp forks for their diminutive hands. If they ate me face-first, I’d still be able to hear them while they giggled and told Leno jokes like broken hyenas. GODDAMN IT, PEOPLE! I need space! Back the fuck away and let these lollipops find their way home!

I miss you, Margie and I never meant to hurt you. If I don’t make it home and no one ever finds me again, the cheese is in the shed and I was the one that stole the money out of your purse, not the cleaning lady. I swear to God, it was me. We shouldn’t have slapped her in front of the kids. Sheila is ruined. This I know for sure. Give her a kiss on the elbow for me and tell her even though I didn’t want her at first, I have learned to like her a little.

I NEED STEW WITHOUT BEANS!!!

Written by: Stirling Gardner

The Wizard of Pussy

MC Stirling Gardner IS the Wizard of Pussy….

“I am the Wizard of Pussy,
Ladies, come correct,
With an abra-cadabra,
I make my ding-dong erect.

Go on and spread your legs,
This won’t take too long–
I came.

What? No, I just came in my jeans…
I don’t know. You were moving around
In a weird way and the friction did it or something.
…No, YOU’RE fucked up. I was gonna totally
bone you for a long time too, but now forget it
I’m glad I came…
Oh, yeah?! I WILL go home and play World Of Warcraft and
you’re the loser, cuz I got an orgasm PLUS I’m keeping my $50,
Lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am the Wizard of Pussy.”

by Matt Kaye

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Matt Kaye’s Takes Bertha on the Ride of Her Life

Matt Kaye here and boy, does it feel good to be riding on the open plains. Just me, my Kawasaki 280, the smell of freedom and this behemoth lady I won at a silent auction at the Kansas state fair.

They didn’t really tell us what we were bidding on, just that “it was real big and if you owned a forklift and a tranquilizer gun, it might come in handy.” Luckily I do! Sure as shit my curiosity was peaked.  I offered up all $5k worth of my log cabin just in case the prize was an even nicer log cabin with a real door and everything.

Imagine my surprise when they called my name over the loud speaker and wheeled out a large cage draped in an all-weather tarp.  Something inside that cage was angry and slamming up against the walls. It sounded like a two-ton velociraptor. A crowd gathered ’round and the emcee lifted the tarp to reveal Bertha here.

The crowd gasped and I dropped two turds in my Wranglers. This was the biggest woman I’d ever seen. And prettier than a goddamn Easter basket. She calmed down after the tarp was removed and saw what she had to have known was sheer love in my eyes. I’d been praying for a soul mate but who’d a thunk it’d happen at the fair?! Sure as the shit in my pants, not me!

She breathed her dragon breath into my nostrils, threw me over her shoulders and I pointed to my motorcycle as the crowd watched in awe. I’ve never been more proud to doo doo in my pants. As we clomped into the parking lot and mounted my bike, I felt a joy I can only compare to the time my daddy taught me how to shave my balls the night before he died. The connection was strong. And unspoken.

As we tore down the interstate past the tractor trailer that had hauled her into town three nights earlier, I got shivers up my spine. If I can get her through the hole in my cabin wall, I am going to climb her, make babies in her mouth and curl up into the fetal position with my ear up against her belly.

As I fall asleep to the gurgling sounds if my sperm digesting in her lower intestines on their way to making the kin I never thought I’d have, I will know deep inside that there truly is a God.

Written by: Stirling Gardner

The Pork Goddess’ Lure

The Book of Wolov, Ch. 6: 1-8

1 And it came to pass that the Pork-Goddess Julia and her dog, Chalupa, didst feign sleep in order to lure Stirling into striking range so that she might, by force, make his face her sitting place.

2 (Struggling to breathe and squirming weakly when sat upon was Stirling’s chief sexual skill given the diminutive stature of his ball-less, limp, string-like weenis.)

3 Yea, verily, Julia, in her infinite wisdom, knew full well that Stirling couldn’t resist the siren-call of an incapacitated beef-temptress.

4 Having woken up on numerous occasions to Stirling feverishly pleasuring himself betwixt the less-sensitive rolls of her body.

5 (Chiefly her ankles and the backs of her knees.)

6 And so it was with confidence that Pork-Goddess Julia didst adorn herself with sumptuous raiment to better display her meat-treasures for his lustful enticing.

7 She chose the finest skin-tight fabrics in order that the crenellated topography of her body-flesh and the enticing  contours of her pelvic musk-dungeon flaps be made conspicuous to Stirling’s beady little eyes.

8 And thus didst the Pork-Goddess patiently lay in lustful malevolence.

by Matt Kaye

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Matt Kaye’s Asian Nipple Experiment

Well, it’s the time of year again for me, Matt Kaye: High School Sumo Wrestling “Try-Outs”! And there’s nothing I love more than strapping on a giant padded thong and letting my juicy man-bags dangle.

Last year I got a little hazing from Nuk Phof (on the left) who really let my light brown size 54 B’s take a sucking. You can see my thin Asian lips as I squeal with delight having that nozzle affixed firmly to my aureola. Tee hee.

Oh, man. This is moments before I got a raging boner. Or maybe it’s while I have my raging boner. It’s so hard to tell.

Anyway, Nuk really took a liking to me and any time I did a drill that wasn’t up to par I’d have to stand on my head and let my fanny get a spank-down from his feet. And if I messed up really badly, Nuk would make me try to stuff my penis into his pee hole. It’s like threading a needle with a needle! Thankfully that’s only happened three times. It looked like a dick-stuffed mini egg roll!

Anyway, we’re back again this year and ready to take on the world! Well, maybe just the lower eastern portion of Tokyo, but you can bet wherever we go, I am bringing this douche nozzle with me! With Nuk, some crispy fried rice and a whole lotta positive affirmations, I know I will have no problem taking first prize for the hard nipple flicking contest. And if I win at sumo wrestling, well that’s just gravy on my sundae. Mmmmm… gravy sundaes!

Wish me luck!

Written by: Stirling Gardner

Stirling Is A Crime-Fighting Superhero

“Dear Mom,

It’s me, Stirling.   I hope your Labor Day was cool.  I had a cookout with some of my  new work friends and lit off some bottle rockets.  We had a blast*. (*Show this to Dad, he loves puns.  Joke math —  Bottle rockets + blast = pun.)

Anyways, I’ve attached a photo of me at the barbecue as a way to let you know something I’ve kept secret for a while now.

I’m a crime fighting super-hero.

I know you thought I was still working at Fidelity North handling loan processing, but frankly I felt stagnant and unchallenged.  Mornings were super depressing.  I didn’t like having to label my lunch in a community refrigerator and the guy in the cubicle next to me used to talk very, very loud on his phone about personal matters.  (In his partial defense, his girlfriend Diane did sound like a grade A, mega-bitch.)

I hated it and I started taking a lot of pills (synthetic mescaline and assorted benzodiazepines from Mexico) to try and make things more interesting.   One day I used 5 different shades of high-lighter to color intricate shapes on every external surface in my office.  They photographed my work for the company newsletter as a demonstration of ‘Sharing Your Personality’.  Long story short, the pills worked great until I forgot to go to work in June.

I literally just forgot.

They kind of made a big deal out of it and I took it as a sign to switch careers.

So, yeah, now I fight crime and hang out with other crime-fighting superheroes.  Honestly, it’s pretty great, I have a cape, and the hours are just kind of like whenever I’m up to it.  My sidekick, Nougat, (standing behind me in the vest) is total awesome-town and has a very sunny disposition.

Well, give my love to everyone and I’ll see you turkeys at Thanksgiving*. (*Show this one to Dad too.  He’ll flip.)

Love,

Stirling”

written by Matt Kaye

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