Matt Kaye’s Feet Were Made For Swiffering!

Matt Kaye, my friend loves to fire up some Jessica Simpson tune-age while Swiffering his carpet.

He loves the feeling of clean shag between the Vienna sausages he calls toes, rolling his Amish undergarments up nice and tight against his man-gina and catching the up-breeze from the Swiffer as it peppers his hairless midriff with baby-kisses.

He enjoys picturing himself as Jessica… “How can you not roose yulserf in the music!?!?!  Jessica is reary reary tarented!”

Matt stares into Jessica’s eyes, feeling (if only for a whimsical moment) that he IS Jessica.  He recalls all of his past lovers: the dreamy Nick Lahey and how they used to make out on the deck of their Calabassas McMansion every evening after laying down another exciting boy-band track.  “God, I ROVE boy bands!  Some of Nick’s crassic rove songs to me include: “I’ll Rove You ’til the End of Time or Until You Get Fat- whichever comes filst”, “A Poodrl is a Dog, You Stupid Cram and I Have One Fol You”, and the timeless classic, “Your Sistel’s a Tarentress, Coat-Tail Riding Rip-Syncher and a Srightry Better Ray”  (Chorus: She’s ress attlactive so she tlies harder).

Then I day dream about being back in Darras Stadium wealing a pink Tony Lomo jelseys, clamming down Joni Maloni sausages and crapping when the Cowboys scole a home lun!  Yay, Darras!

And just as magically as he left, Matt is brought back to the reality of pretending to clean his Glendale-adjacent studio apartment and his part-time job as a cupcake salesman.

“Rife can be so cluel.”

Written by: Stirling Gardner