Matt Kaye is Getting Married! Duck for Cover!

Hey, guys!  It’s my friend Matt Kaye and his fiance, Stefani.

You may be wondering how Matt and Stefani met.  Well, it’s an interesting story.  As Matt puts it, “I was eating a fistful of shwarma and swatting at a swarm of gnats in my leg hair, minding my own business, when I heard what sounded like a building being knocked down.  I turned to look and it was in fact, a building being knocked down.  Stefani had tripped in her platforms and accidentally slammed into the side of the tenement right next to Uncle Hibob’s Kabob Stand.  The building was left with a rather large dent in the foundation and when I saw a brick falling from above, I ripped the umbrella off of Hibob’s Kabob Cart and ran over to shield Stefani from the falling rubble.  I got there just in time.  I couldn’t believe it when I looked around and saw the passersby laughing and mocking Stefani.  She started to cry.  Tears poured off her giant face as she sobbed and pounded against the wall, “‘uge gurl vit cellulite never vit friends!!!” (She’s German).  More and more debris fell from the building and bounced off the umbrella.  When Stefani composed herself and realized that I had actually saved her life, her tears dried up and we just connected, ya know?”

Yes, Matt we know.

“And with just a look… we knew we would be together forever.  She picked me up, threw me on her back and ran down the street putting her fists through police car windshields, kicking over fire hydrants and shedding our clothes.  I had never ridden a flightless dragon before, but I imagine this is what it feels like.  All that fury and heft.  It was exciting.  She knew it. I knew it.  We had a connection.  That was 6 months ago and I haven’t gotten off her back since.  (She won’t let me and frankly, I don’t mind.)”

“This photo was taken moments after we evaded the National Guard and made it safely into my studio apartment.  It’s a flimsy building which is why Stefani is holding up the ceiling.”

“You can’t see it, but my boner is resting warmly inside her butt crack… like a Dodger dog adhering to the bun from the moisture.”

“I love my dragon.  Our wedding date is July 17th… so if you happen to be in the Detroit area with nothing to do, let us know and we’ll order more chicken wings.”

Well, Matt, we all wish you the best on your magical journey.

Written by: Stirling Gardner